Sunday, April 6, 2014

Modern Dating Issues...Or Foolish Dating Issues?

Normally, I wouldn't write a post to respond to another article/blog entry I saw on the interwebs.  However, I saw one linked on facebook that ended up rubbing me the wrong way to a certain degree, and I feel the need to write a rebuttal to it.


The article, 18 Ugly Truths About Modern Dating That You Have To Deal With, is just that - 18 "facts" of modern dating, and how they suck. Yet, most of them are less of a problem with modern dating, and moreso either just facts of life, or facts of dating someone who clearly is a jerk.  Considering the format of the original article, I'm going to stick to a simular format - list.

1) The idea that the person caring less has the power.  This is, actually, one of the few points I agree with.  Here is why:
When you care, you are more likely to do for the other person.  Put them first, etc.  However, when you are the one who could not care less - well, why not use the love of the other person?  Fundamentally, this is less of a 'modern dating' problem and more of a power issue - one that I am certain likely has existed for as long as relationships have.  Most relationships have a power dynamic to them, even if that dynamic tends to equal out on both side.  When one of the participants is a less then stellar individual - well, this end result is rather unsurprising.

2) Playing Hard to Get.  This is a bullshit game, regardless of the era- but yet again, not really modern.  You know that whole idea of how women weren't supposed to propose, ask out etc. the man back in olden times?  Yeah.  How is that not just a different version of this modern trend?  It still came out to a similar end - one party has to be indifferent, while the other actively pursues.

3) Carefree.  Point number two I actually do agree with - seriously, if you are interested, ask the damned guy/girl out.  Unless your 'not keeping it cool' consists of kidnapping said person and keeping them in your basement, showing interest is not going to scare off someone that has mutual interest.

4) Texting is the new black.  Is this really a dating issue, or a society as a whole issue?  I'd argue it's the latter, rather then the former.  Which does make it harder to start and maintain a relationship - but incidentally, out of my four relationships, the two that weren't just incredibly suck didn't involve mass amounts of texting.  They involved-  wait for it - actual phone time and face-to-face conversation.  So in that regard - was it a dating issue, or a 'I'm dating a moron,' issue?

5) Planning is a dead art.  Um.  No?  Unless you are friends with dickweeds, the 'I don't knows' are not people looking for an out - it's an admission that they want to come, but don't know if something that is higher priority - like their job, children, spouse, etc - will be an issue.  If I know I might need to stay in and study for the weekend, and I get invited to an event, I put maybe - not because I want a better place to go instead, but because I would rather show that I'm interested, but might need to put my actual needs before my wants.

6) Bad karma may not necessarily be a thing.  This is, sadly, actually true.  While the idea of the cheater, robber, assailant, etc getting their just desserts is a treasured thought - it doesn't always happen.  Unlike in cartoons, sometimes the bad guy wins.

7) Romantic versus creepy.  Oddly true as well, depending on the action.  Some actions are creepy regardless of attraction, however.

8) Hang out = let's bang?  Yeah.  Wrong crowd, peeps.  If your people mean hang out in the sense of 'Let's bang until the sun comes out,' you seriously need to find new people.  I've actually never in my life heard of it being used that way.  Ever.

9) Sex only.  This is true too.  Some people are only out for sex.  However, I feel like the writer is making a lot of assumptions - like that all people like this are scumbags.  One night stands are not bad in and of themselves, and unless you have ran into a true douchebag, a 'Sorry, looking for an actual relationship' will more likely then not suffice - because if all they are seeking is easy sex, WHY would they try after that?  Why would they put forth that effort, when they could move on and find someone else that actually stand a chance of getting laid with, with less effort?

10) Texts always go through.   Unless, of course, you are in a location that doesn't have good reception, your phone is off, your phone is stupid.  I lost count of the number of times I've sent a text, or have had a text sent to me, and either never received it, or received it hours or even days afterward.  Technology can be efficient - but it isn't that efficient.

11) Lack of labels. The lack of a label isn't the problem.  You don't need titles.  If you are in a relationship without a label and they see someone else on the side, one of two problems have occured: A) Both parties failed to communicate how they see the relationship (which does NOT require a single word label), and/or B) One of the parties is a dick.

12/13) Social media.  Oh, yes.  Liking pictures is flirtation now?  Guess that means that we all hit on our: friends, mentors, teachers, parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, bosses, coworkers, peers.  Am I missing anyone?  If there is the worry that someone is going to cheat via social media - don't let them leave the house.  Seriously.  Social media is nothing more then a tool.  They could just as easily pick someone up at, say, the bar.  Or the grocery store.

Alternatively, you could just break up with them.  Since clearly there are trust issues.

14) Unfiltered personalities.  Ok, just to get it out of the way - no shit, sherlock.  That's better.  This is not a novel concept that was introduced with modern dating procedures.  This is "tale as old as time" nonsense right here - does the author think that Victorian women routinely told their suitors about how often they wash, or that men told their lady of interest what way they adjust their genitals?  Hiding parts of ones self is a sad but known part of dating - you don't go into a job interview bleating about how you can't type above 2 words per minute.  Why would you go into a first date talking about every negative trait you have?

15) Relationships..are relationships?  Relationships do one of two things - they either last forever, or they end.  Yet again, to get it out of the way - No.  Shit.  OF COURSE once you start something, you have to actually end it for it to end.  The only exception to this rule is death - but even then, that is still the ending of the relationship, for all intents and purposes.

Better start reading to understand
all the arbitrary codes of dating, bro.
16) Facebook is the new conversation.  Anyone who does this in their relationship, raise your hand.  If you did, slap yourself.  This is not a dating issue, this is yet another society issue - and one that needs to not be a thing.

17) Guy/girl code is for chumps.  Is this a modern thing?  Maybe, maybe not.  Somehow, I don't think it is - more likely is that this contempt and disrespect for others relationships is a long running human condition, but only now is it more visible.

18) Getting dumped sucks.  The text message break up is brutal, and modern, yes.  But I'll bet you there are older cowardly means of breaking off relationships.  The classic 'Stop talking to them forever' one is likely to classify as such, I'm sure.

Overall, the entire list smacks of someone who has had one too many run-ins with jerks, and as such it has coloured their view of dating as a whole - when, in reality, a lot of these are likely not only a less then modern problem, but a minority one at that.  At least six of them are not modern in any sense of the word.  Another 7 of them smack of douchebagginess - of dating the wrong guy/gal, and getting horribly, tragically burned by their dickishness.  The rest - are problems with our society as a whole, not just dating.

It just really seems like even mundane problems are being taken as a serious dating issue by this author, and that everyone is out for themselves.  Not everything that doesn't go according to plan is meant to be harmful or selfish.  It's over-sensitivity at its worst.  Mind you, over the course of my dating "career" I've dealt with at least half of these things- but end of the day, it was a failing point of me/that person/the relationship, not of the entire structure of dating as a whole.

Images for stockvault.

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