Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Has it really just began?

I'm tired.  I'm not talking in the physical sense, either - I mean in a resounding, mental and emotional sense.

The semester, my last semester, has only just began a few weeks ago, and already I feel the strain.  The strain of a class that is asking for too much while not giving enough.  The strain of knowing that an uncertain future awaits me at the end of it.

The strain of pushing myself academically, physically, financially - all in the name of a career that I hope to have by year's end.  I work to better myself on so many levels, and it goes at a cruelly slow pace - and it scares me that I don't know whether it'll pay off.  It's easy to study for a test, knowing that whatever my grade ends up being, I'll know it in about a week.

It isn't so easy getting up to go to the gym or switch on X-Box Fitness, knowing that whatever results I see (or feel) will not likely become a "thing" until days, weeks, maybe even months down the line.  Yet I do it anyway.  Because I need to.  Want to.  Probably because somewhere in the dark fog of my own fears and insecurities, I know it'll be worth it ultimately.

Likewise with the school.  I go to classes - when I'm able of course, the school already closed down for a few days this semester due to the winter storms - but I walk out of them feeling less confident then I did walking in.  They bring out my worse fears - that I'm not good enough.  That I can't pass.  The same fears I've had every semester, but with the catch that this time, should that fear come to fruition - there is no fixing it easily.  No redo.  No time to retake it.  So I cannot fail.

And with that, I'm exhausted.  Even so, I have to fight through it, wake up every day and do what I must.  It hurts now.  It'll hurt tomorrow.  And probably even the week after that, and the week after that.  I have to go through it though - because I have to have the hope that one day, a few months down the line, it'll be worth it.

"The most glorious moments in your life are not the so-called days of success, but rather those days when out of dejection and despair you feel rise in you a challenge to life, and the promise of future accomplishments." -Gustave Flaubert 

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